Happy Easter

I dug a little on the web. I have taught my children religious tolerance their whole lives. When they asked what eggs and bunnies have to do with Christ I explained the merging of Christianity with Paganism. So I will share with everyone.

 Easter

Regardless of what you believe, I encourage you to be with loved ones today or at least call them to say happy Spring. We made it through the winter and new life is all around us so try to see the kindness and warmth the earth is offering today.

Home for some not all

Italo Calvino said: The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts. Describe the ghosts that live in this house: Image credit: “love Don’t live here anymore…” – © 2009 Robb North – made available under Attribution 2.0 Generic

Blue devils surrounded by sparks of memories is all I have left. I miss my bright lights, their shining faces always under me,wanting something, always wanting. On occasion it was even important. I want to leave but a force is begging me to stay. Stay and see what I left unfinished, unaccomplished, under a tide of quiet desperation. I knew they were here, when the water filled my lungs and I heard the screaming coming from the back seat. I knew they would meet me here. Home is where we belong. Home, without the pressure of food and electricity. Home where I knew you would be, smiling, laughing, waiting for mama. I was so ecstatic when I felt myself being enveloped in warmth and the choking dark liquid that took us away. Away to here, home. Please come home beautiful honey eyed babies that love me in spite of the way I allowed you to be treated. Come home,

I will wait as long as it takes for you to find me. Then we can enter the kingdom together. I will busy myself getting ready for our lifting into the arms of the one we seek. I just need you to hear me, find me so we can finally go home.

Fiction or Fraction?

I took a “inspire me” this morning from wordpress. It asked about a heart pounding time in your life. I wanted to share this fractured memory for the girls who know. And a prayer for those who will never, to stay that way.

The pounding was not stopping. At first I thought it was only in my head. The club came back to me in a sour tasting upward wrench from my stomach. No, someone wants in,who the hell tries to break down a door at 7:30 in the morning. Donna forgot her fucking key….again. Working opposite schedules with a roommate is fantastic and frustrating. “I am coming, chill out” Shit, where are my pants. Fumbling down the stairs, half dressed. I don’t remember opening the door, but I did. I completely expected an apology and a rush back in the house to get whatever she forgot.

 

I did not expect him. His eyes were strange, hyper focused. I could not look away. He was talking so fast I did not notice that the door was being shut behind him. What, who…he was dressed nice, did I meet him last night. He is talking about, what? He stopped, I tried to speak but I was so cloudy from last nights adventures. “Who are….” He asked for a beer, a beer at 7:30 in the morning. My heart-pounding was rising into my ears. I stood immobile, what had I done? Who is this guy. Why is he in my house. Over and over I kept asking. He is staring at me. Ok, get the beer, he seems nice, get the beer then make your way to the door while he is drinking….maybe he just wants a beer. When he took the beer he stood up and started upstairs. He reached back and grabbed my hand. Finally I got the courage “Who the Fuck are you …and..” Before another word was spoken, he smiled put down the beer and reached into his pocket. The blade popped up when he touched it. He leaned in and said “Remember you owe me one, you are such a tease”.

 

Survivor mode is easy for me . My childhood brought me to this moment. I could not run so I just went into my own head and quietly shut down, it came easily. The blood rushing in my ears was so loud . My body was freezing cold and stiff. I lay down as instructed, the bed was unmade. I could not hear all the words he seemed to be saying .Aids was just getting revved up and the scars and pustules on his back terrified me more than the penetration, Please God, I hope he used a condom. He finally finished, stood up and put his pants back on. My pillow was wet, I felt the cold on my face, the ac was running on high. I was so sore, my whole body hurt. My breathing never changed. I focused on my breathing, I did not want to upset him. The knife never left his hand. Did he actually just said “thank you” ?.

 

The door slammed shut, my chest started pounding harder, the convulsions started. The roaring ripping me in half, pain, I heard a scream, me, this, no. Anger has always been my friend and constant companion. I was raised with Hells Angels and Irish bulldogs. I knew how to defend myself. Fuck this I will call the cops…. But I let him in, I gave him a beer, I had the reputation, and the mollies in my purse. Had I told him to come over for this? He wasn’t my first one off. But no, there was a knife Goddamn it. No, I could never tell anyone, being wild is one thing but being labeled a whore by the police is another.

 

I saw him again a few months later, on TV. It made me proud to know there were women stronger than me in the world.

 

Bodies and minds sometimes conflict

This morning has been interesting. I have a series of exercises I do every morning. I have two bulging disc in my lower back. I am supposed to do these exercises every day. What my physical therapist neglected to mention is I will not be able to get out of bed without these. I put on my front page who I am. My body not doing what I tell it to is part of the 51 acts like 12 year old. One thing I have learned is if you stop moving….you stop moving.

I see all these ads to build strength and add muscle. I have not seen any offering a program that allows you to just get out of bed without creaking and pain. I know there is a demographic that is ignored….me.  I have enough money to give someone for good ideas on this subject but they only want to give me drugs. It is as if once you pass a certain age you are then considered the drug generation.

I choose not to be a druggie. I got that out of my system in my early 20’s. So for now I will be thankful I have insurance and a PT that keeps me moving. Just wondered when my generation became the invisible one.

Blog Spamming

http://weblogs.about.com/od/partsofablog/tp/IdentifyingBlogCommentSpam.htm

 

One of the things I think all bloggers have to deal with is spam. I am on a mission not to lose the parts of myself that are kind and caring. This is difficult sometimes. My journey is medically altered at times, angry at times and very sad. The mania is still sorta fun but unhealthy. I get a lot of comments. I cannot tell what is real and what is not. It is for this reason I did a simple search and found this article. The reason I created this blog is to have a place I can chronicle my journey in hope that it will help me and perhaps others. It might even help with your blogging.

Meeting needs

    As a child I was always told “God will meet your needs” now what they did not bother to tell me is God also decides the difference between needs and wants.  I want a Dr before my medication runs out , I feel this is also a need. But does God? Is there a reason in my progressive town filled with artist (whom we all know have issues), why am I so aware of the fact I have 8 pills left. 8 pills that allow me to be me but sane, with rational thought? I have been put on waiting list long enough to allow me a front row seat at a taping of “Saturday Night Live” or at least a J.T. show. These waiting list are to have initial consultations with Dr’s most of which do not take my insurance. My insurance that I pay over 400 dollars a month for. I am willing to pay the exorbitant prices they charge out of my very empty pockets. I want to be healthy. The American health consortium,(I know about price fixing-I have done it myself) and it is indeed that, does not care for my issues.  I am blessed with a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist in my immediate family. These are the people I ask when I am overwhelmed by the “no’s” and the “sorry’s”.  This gives me peace, not of mind but of spirit.

I am so worried about the state of our country. When  a person of my rank locally with insurance so good people take the job for the benefits, cannot get help what about the others? I am a peaceful (somewhat) happy (most of the time) bipolar. What about the others? My friends that left the hospital with the same 13 pages of Dr’s that said no and sorry? At what point do we  break. How many of us do not even have a friend we feel close enough to hug? These are the ones that pick up guns to use on themselves or others.

Please wake up and see we are hurting, we need you to see us and not judge us for a disease we cannot control.

For any of my brothers or sisters going through this or similar situations Please hang on. Lets talk to each other. As soon as I am healthy enough I will build a forum for you to use. One that allows us to not be judged or afraid to say things whisper in our ears or we really thing we could fly if the wind was right.

As I am writing this post. My brother is setting up an appointment for a Psychiatrist one that my therapist, the one I have never met, suggested. So there is your answer he meets your needs in a way that you know it was him. We have to have reminders that even though we often play God, we are not. 

Namaste

OOps I did it again

I call myself a God girl because christian has taken a whole ugly term although the Pagans might disagree it has always been a little ugly. But choosing that moncler makes me more responsible for my actions than …….well OK I feel it makes me more responsible. In actually you should all watch what you say and do the Hippo got it right “do no harm”.

I have a mouth problem and it has spread to my fingers. You need to know I was a drama queen before the phrase was invented. I started acting when I was 12 and my best friend wore ladies clothing, he did look better in dresses than I did. So what I am doing is apologizing.

Steve Moore I am sorry to tie you into my drama. I adore this man  http://www.physicalplant.org/  the man has a wikipedia entry and has produced off Broadway for goodness sakes.

So anyone who was tormented by the previous post I am sorry to you as well. I threw a bit of a tantrum. I really should buy a legal pad for those days, write it down and throw it away. My hope is by continuing to write I will hone my craft. Someday I will be funny and insightful and learn new words and phrasing I may someday steal from myself to use in a more productive way. Until then go see some art, make some noise,take off your judge robe and giggle when you see things that are silly, kick a wall when you see things that make you mad, and yell really loud when you see things that are wrong.

Read This Please

So I want you to know something.

A) I have not hidden who I am on purpose. Google me. I am not technically trained. This means I do not have any idea how I made my site. It was intuitive for me. I cannot help anyone with anything technical.

B) I am smart. My children are remarkable, not because they are mine.

1) The oldest is on his way to being a CEO of a major company. He travels by private plane, he got to this position with his own brain, talent, wit and ethics. He is marrying a beautiful woman who is smart and has his outlook on life. He is blessed with an outlook on life that will be there regardless of where he works or lives.

2)The next one started college when he was 16 dropped out at 20. This was a drop out from University of Texas where he had a full scholarship. We live in Austin, he is a musician. Later in life he decided he wanted that degree. He finished the bachelor in physics and is now working on his PHD in computer science. At age 16 he his IQ was tested and he fell into the genius category. He also has a soulmate.

3) Next we have the youngest son. He is also a genius. But he is more like me and we have been rich with life and poor on the books his whole life. He got into a prestigious college after people telling us not to expect much. He was a c student, he has dysgraphia, night terrors and a.d.d. according to the experts. The degree he received will serve him well. I have never seen this kid not get the goals he sets for himself. After leaving school he worked for a professional concert lighting company until he learned it was not for him. He has written poetry his whole life and now sets it to music that is unreal in its beauty. He also studies comedy because he wants to tell the world how to heal itself and that is the way they listen. His girlfriend loves him for all of this and more. She is also a tested genius.

4)My daughter is amazing. She has not gone to college yet because in her words “this is the best time to screw around and find out what I want to, do people will forgive you when you are young….I do not like wasting time” So far she is a professional clown, a clothing designer, a painter, and an actor.  My youngest sons number one complaint is his sister does everything he does but better.  Her number one complaint is”I am funny when I am not with you people”. She is brave and funny and dyes her hair green and blue because she does not like to wear wigs when she clowns. She also makes around 150 an hour when she clowns around. She has decided to be a political science major because you can effect change from within. She is not interested in being the president. She wants to have power to make things happen without the need for approval. Her words.

5) My husband is kind, this man tears up when he holds babies because they are so beautiful. He collects broken things. Dogs, people, cats etc. not to excess and not in a way that has ever effected his family negatively. His teaches technical theater in a hands on pragmatical way. He teaches so well all the theaters in our town call him first. When he explains he cannot do the shows no explanation only the internal knowledge it will effect his family negatively.   These theaters beg for phone numbers of his students. If he has trained them they are ethical, wise, funny and get the job done right the first time. This is only his professional life. His sense of home is remarkable. He makes us safe. In a sea of uncertainty when you cannot rely on yourself: when the media sends messages that confuse and anger, he makes us feel safe. Every one of his children know without a doubt he is there for them regardless of circumstance. He would die for each and every one. He also is my soul mate. The word love does not describe marrying your best friend. Staying married to your best friend. Going through hell and still loving your best friend. When he looks into my eyes and begs me not to leave I know I am home.

6)That brings you to me. I am an open book. I am an artist. I am an actor. I am a writer. I am a playwright . I am a creative.I see the world differently from most. I have been paid for being a writer for the last 16 years. I have a position in my city that allows me to write creatively . I also perform creatively in my position. I was a clown for 24 years and we often ate from the money I brought home, my average charge when I left the business was 225 for an hour and a half. I rarely did the one hour shows. I love kids. I am children’s advocate. I received a Texas humanities award for this advocacy. I am a speaker, that runs around 1500 for the day. Unfortunately the money ran out because of arts and literacy cuts in our state. I have spoken to hundreds of people about teaching their children. I am a puppeteer on the cutting edge of adult puppetry-it is an amazing art. I am a bulldog-if I see injustice I fight it until it changes. I change lives, I know this because I am told regularly by people who lives I have changed. Sometimes it is professionally, sometimes personally. I have 60 hours of college, the folks I usually talk to hold at least a masters and sometimes a PHD in their fields. I am also struggling financially, so any ideas on making a buck is appreciated. Our healthcare system is financially draining.

I am smart. I am funny. I am also bi-polar. I am 51 years old. I had a very hard childhood and a breakdown a while back. I am climbing back up from all of that. I know when I get completely on the other side of this I will be a better person.I am feeling good. I have written every day on this unedited blog. I just write and post. I have always tried to live honestly with myself and others. Some call it filter free, but it has always worked for me. Please understand  I am sharing my journey, I invite you to join me. Maybe together we can figure stuff out. Every morning I check my comments first. I have learned that to be seen is to be loved in our culture. My mission is to see you. I beg you not to click on any comments you see because I am sure many are spam. I am also sure it is worth the risk for someone to see that they were seen and by proxy they were loved.  I am using this blog as a filing system to revisit later and explore some of the things I have placed here. If anything touches you feel free to tell me I will post the comment.

Please remember our greatest enemy is fear. Just remember fear is not real only a reaction to stimulus. Play my game -What is the worst that can happen? Freak out at home then go in with that expectation, the one you have wrapped your head around and are ok with. You will find most times the outcome is better than expected and you are calmer no matter what happens. Fear started my journey. For the first time in my life I did not have control of my life. Two slipped disc made me stop dancing as fast as I could and start thinking. (reference to 1982 film)

God I am so wordy. I just do not want you to have expectations that will not be met. I do not want you to get upset that I allow spam. I am putting one foot in front of the other and so far life is like the movies. The girl has gotten the guy, the kids are alright and all are wiser because of the journey. One that is not over but is manageable. I wish you peace on your journey.

Reviews from the Trailer on the hill

So I will share two secrets with you.

One I hate SXSW traffic I want to scream and show ring fingers almost immediately. The infrastructure in my town cannot handle this crazy overflow of people.

Two I love (most) of the people that emerge from those cars. This is such a magical time. I have met kids from France lovely couples from Tanzania and North Africa. I have also ventured out of the house and stumbled up on wonderful eating establishments.

Hi Stuart from do512.com

Soyez mon arti! To the beautiful group of French folks.

Marhiba saddigi to Aymon and Kenza.

A special shout out goes to Brenna and Jeremy, you see they took exceptional care of me at Tarka. This is a well hidden Indian restaurant in South Austin. Not the cool hippy part go further into the we are here to make money part. Hwy 71 near 290 past the Burger center. Look it up…

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My very talented friend wrote this. My new journey feels like this but at the same time there is a bittersweet connection I have to investigate prior to the becoming.