Monthly Archives: December 2012

Red State is a God thing agree or disagree…

So one of my favorite holiday memories from this season will be watching Red State. This is Kevin Smith’s “horror” film and while I recognize the need to state it is a horror film it is so much more. I felt such an incredible power surge while watching, it was amazing. I was so angry at the people calling themselves christian and using scripture to cause pain to others that I immediately wanted to pull out my bible and see if the quotes were right. How could they take a book out of context like that? As you can tell the fourth wall broke entirely for me through this film; it felt like a documentary that needed to be investigated. I laughed, cried and got pissed – my favorite combination. Kevin is one of my favorite directors. Clerks was good, Jay and Silent Bob has moments that made me laugh, Zack and cop out were fun but Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Red State made me think and I like to think. I consider myself a christian because I believe Jesus Christ was the son of god and he came to earth and helped others nail down (no pun intended) a guide book of sorts to help us figure out our days. I feel a little uncomfortable saying that out loud sometimes due to the nice people that got the Book mixed up in their heads because of the baggage they carry. Watching Red State was powerful for me; I saw an extremist version of some of the negative people that use my title and it was sad. The best part of the film for me was this clip by John Goodman. If you call yourself a christian you should see this film if you call yourself an atheist you should see this film, if you call yourself agnostic you should see this film, if you do not give a shit you should see this film….it is hard to watch but worth it.


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So today I’m helping with a video for the city that will be used for employee training (which is really funny because I inadvertently crossed the ethical boundary… oops). My boss had to remind me that sometimes, for whatever reason, the heart is wrong. I wonder sometimes how I get through life. People will tell me something important in a convoluted way and think I get it – I don’t. I sorta wonder through life just smelling flowers and smiling at babies. I am working on my listening skills and my shiny disease, though I have to admit it is hard. I have changed numerous bad habits in my life through years of practice. I know I am still a smoker, that is on the list I promise. The thing is, this wiring issue in my brain makes this particular habit a bitch. A very wise woman told me to write my musings, save them to draft, look at it again with fresh eyes a day later, and then post it. So friends as much as you will miss my bad grammar, run on sentences, poor spelling, rambling that never seems to end, and gratuitous use of periods in a row….this one was your last. I will draft/look/fix from today on.

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I sent a link to many of you for a post that has been pulled. I cannot explain why it was pulled but suffice it to say my disease got me again. I hope your time was not wasted. I also hope your holidays are filled with kindness.

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From the mouths of snarky babes

So you know I am a uber christian….at least that is what I thought until God set me straight. So, my mom had a stroke and now she is bothered by little things. My mom sends money to everyone, non profit that is. Dogs for the blind, wounded veterans etc. These cards were driving her crazy so I went through them, separated them into type of cards and took them home. It gave her a lot of relief and it gave me a ton of random cards. It is like this: I had a grand idea I would set up a stand at my party and have all my socialist friends sign cards to strangers that I would then send out….well no one made a card, and I mean no one. No problem I will take the cards to Beaumont for Christmas have the kids sign them..I forgot the cards. Finally I remembered to take the cards to friends that would sign them. Librarians. Only problem is I only ended up with 19 cards, I needed 38. Grand idea part 2: I bought two boxes of cards and took them with me to a teen detention center here in Austin I work with. I asked the kids who were locked up to sign these cards. I also had contacted a local homeless shelter that specializes in helping single moms (I work with this group through my day job). I had asked the director if I could give the ladies these cards. Which explains the need for 38 cards. Here are a few of the sentiments my kids shared-I do not correct spelling or grammer:


Hope you have a good holiday, you will be in my prayers stay strong


For all the stuff you have been through I just want to say I am sorry, and althought I dont know what you are feeling I just wanna say keep your head up and your chest our it dont rain forever


Merry Christmas. Hello my name is Carlos and I knoe I mess up in life ut I think and say whats wrong with me Ill be praying for yall Im only 13 years old and Im in placement. But hopefully yall would get everything you want. For the holidays. I knoe I caint give yall much but a happy merry christmas and new year happy merry christmas carlos


Dear Sir or Madam

I hope yall have a good holiday and I know you are struggling but im here strugling the hard way locked up away from myt family and doing my little 4 months, but I hope yall have a good holiday and keep your head up and try everything you can to succeed in your life and have a good holiday and try to have a good life. So if your on the strugglenow, god will help you in the long run. Have a happy christmas and have a good life Merry Christmas.


Happy new years 2013 merry christmas I am being sincere about all of this hope yall have a merry christmas and yall can be happy for the new years I wish that you all can get something good to eat.


We wish you a merry christmas keeping you in our prayers keep your head up by: Anthony


I would just like to say merry christmas and happy new year. Im hoping tht you stay strong through these thoughtful seasons sincerely Richard


Keep your head up hard times is a pain get that right man good luck willie

(Steven drew a christmas tree decorated with snow falling) Merry Christmas I wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year I want you to do good by Stephen

I wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year I yall get yall things together I’ll prey for yall everyday Joseph

Happy Christmas and that this day you doing it good my name is geraldo I wish you the best christmas I hope you ding it good merry christmas and happy new year

Hi my name is Rico I hope yall doing good and yall stop doin bad things I am lock up right now you noe I hope you have a great christmas merry christmas to you and to all have a great one this year

Its never too late to change your life hope you have a wonderful christmas happy holidays Timothy

I wish you a merry christmas and hopefully somneday you will get out of that place, and your kid will be successful one day David

So as you run around this holiday,with crazy traffic, loud relatives, gifts to wrap and baked goods to cook, take a breath and remember my kids and the love they shared from behind bars.

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Shattered Illusion

creepy rats

Found this photo will not read the article. I am sure it is brilliant but I am posting it because it kinda goes along with a dream I had last night. SO I love my fake oldest child a lot. He has been on my mind a lot. I often think of him at the holidays because the hoarder in me wants all my kids under my feet from Dec 23rd to Jan 2nd. Cannot help it the heart wants what it wants. I sent him a poke on FB yesterday and I guess I had him on my mind as I drifted off to sleep. Now having a dream about a child you miss is common and predictable. But this child lives in NYC the same NYC I secretly/openly want to live in. I would rock that town. You see it is filled with people and I kinda love people. Enough said…fade in I am walking down the street with my child arm in arm on a beautiful sunny cold Queens morning. We are laughing as we order our favorite bagels with schemer/cream chese…we get back to his apt and he is so excited to show me his new pet. This is a huge deal because he works an average of 70 hours a week and has never had a pet. He runs up the stairs yelling come on lets see if she is awake. As I get to the top of the stairs I see his glowing face as he directs me to the bedroom. Where he has a cage with a tiny mouse in it. I kinda hate rodents but I really love him so I soldier up and tell him how cute it is. I choose not to hold it but tell him how cute etc…I asked him where he got the mouse and he tells me since Sandy they are everywhere. As he is telling me about his rescue efforts I see a bulge in the ceiling that slowly spits open and rats start climbing down the wall as he joyfully completes his story. Then I woke up and realized why I will never live in NYC. I am completely unaware of the amount of unfettered wildlife that enjoy an urban landscape on my visits because NYC and I stay on a honeymoon high. But sadly this dream brought home one of the mega reasons I could never live there. Don’t be sad NYC I will continue to save money and visit as frequently as I can. I will still tell everyone about your magic and abundance of love that many do not see. I just have to now admit to myself I will live out the rest of this roller coaster in Texas.

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My Disease EIO

Yep it is true I have EIO now I do need to tell you this is a relatively new field and so I have self diagonosed. I did do the research and it is the only thing that makes sense, Let me explain.

We will start with a lovely gathering at a friends house for a fellow puppeteer who was in town to finalize her tour through Austin. She was great and towards the end of the get together went to get her alter ego. Then we were amused and delighted for almost an hour. Sitting amazed at the talent that flowed forth I decided to video one of the songs she shared and some of the crowd vamping she was doing in the backyard with the gathered crowd. Now this is not something I would normally do but the love of my life was not present and I knew my verbalization would not do justice to what I was witnessing. SOOO I video taped……without asking ……now I was not the only  person with this idea but to poorly quote my favorite book “when the blind lead the blind they will all fall in the ditch”. Now this lovely lady had sent me a text earlier in the evening with  a photo…but that is another story. I had her phone number….I had a clown gig….I am a smoker….it was all coming together in my mind. I was driving to the country club to do facepainting and balloons for a local charity when I had the eureka moment. I quickly pulled into the nearest parking lot and snapped a photo of myself smoking. I then in my frensy to show how clever I was typed a quick quip to the actress and sent the photo. Her response was odd….who is this and I cannot receive photos on this phone…..ok…..odd. But fueled by the frenzie of my cleverness I answered with an apology and an explaination of what the photo was and how she could use it. No answer. I have offended.. I also had the actresses email . So naturally after my gig I shot off a quick apology and explaination of my disease. Errrr here is the rub..

This morning I was still a little distressed I offended the actress so I doublechecked the text messages. Now these messages made the evenings encounter make sense. I had not actually texted the actress you see I had texted the gentleman I met last night. He did not mention it but the large smile on his face indicated a private joke I was not a part of…the director of the charity. 

Now this is not the only issue I had last evening. After. note I said after I had done all the crazy in the above I got home and was offered a pot brownie. I have never had a pot brownie so I tried a tiny bite. My phone rang it was a beloved child I had to answer. I have an unusually close relationship to all my kids the ones I gave birth to the ones I raised and the ones I found. So I blurted I just ate a pot brownie… hu…to which they replied I just kissed someone who is not my partner. So I then proceeded to give sage advice on marrage while the brownie kicked in…I will speak to said partner today to make sure I did not tell my beloved to do something crazy. 

I will continue to fight my Embarrasing Impulse Outburst but I ask your kindness as I do. I also ask if you see one rising in me…the indicators are a quick inhale of breath followed by large eye movement an rapid hands. Please gently remind me to stop and think.


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