Read This Please

So I want you to know something.

A) I have not hidden who I am on purpose. Google me. I am not technically trained. This means I do not have any idea how I made my site. It was intuitive for me. I cannot help anyone with anything technical.

B) I am smart. My children are remarkable, not because they are mine.

1) The oldest is on his way to being a CEO of a major company. He travels by private plane, he got to this position with his own brain, talent, wit and ethics. He is marrying a beautiful woman who is smart and has his outlook on life. He is blessed with an outlook on life that will be there regardless of where he works or lives.

2)The next one started college when he was 16 dropped out at 20. This was a drop out from University of Texas where he had a full scholarship. We live in Austin, he is a musician. Later in life he decided he wanted that degree. He finished the bachelor in physics and is now working on his PHD in computer science. At age 16 he his IQ was tested and he fell into the genius category. He also has a soulmate.

3) Next we have the youngest son. He is also a genius. But he is more like me and we have been rich with life and poor on the books his whole life. He got into a prestigious college after people telling us not to expect much. He was a c student, he has dysgraphia, night terrors and a.d.d. according to the experts. The degree he received will serve him well. I have never seen this kid not get the goals he sets for himself. After leaving school he worked for a professional concert lighting company until he learned it was not for him. He has written poetry his whole life and now sets it to music that is unreal in its beauty. He also studies comedy because he wants to tell the world how to heal itself and that is the way they listen. His girlfriend loves him for all of this and more. She is also a tested genius.

4)My daughter is amazing. She has not gone to college yet because in her words “this is the best time to screw around and find out what I want to, do people will forgive you when you are young….I do not like wasting time” So far she is a professional clown, a clothing designer, a painter, and an actor.  My youngest sons number one complaint is his sister does everything he does but better.  Her number one complaint is”I am funny when I am not with you people”. She is brave and funny and dyes her hair green and blue because she does not like to wear wigs when she clowns. She also makes around 150 an hour when she clowns around. She has decided to be a political science major because you can effect change from within. She is not interested in being the president. She wants to have power to make things happen without the need for approval. Her words.

5) My husband is kind, this man tears up when he holds babies because they are so beautiful. He collects broken things. Dogs, people, cats etc. not to excess and not in a way that has ever effected his family negatively. His teaches technical theater in a hands on pragmatical way. He teaches so well all the theaters in our town call him first. When he explains he cannot do the shows no explanation only the internal knowledge it will effect his family negatively.   These theaters beg for phone numbers of his students. If he has trained them they are ethical, wise, funny and get the job done right the first time. This is only his professional life. His sense of home is remarkable. He makes us safe. In a sea of uncertainty when you cannot rely on yourself: when the media sends messages that confuse and anger, he makes us feel safe. Every one of his children know without a doubt he is there for them regardless of circumstance. He would die for each and every one. He also is my soul mate. The word love does not describe marrying your best friend. Staying married to your best friend. Going through hell and still loving your best friend. When he looks into my eyes and begs me not to leave I know I am home.

6)That brings you to me. I am an open book. I am an artist. I am an actor. I am a writer. I am a playwright . I am a creative.I see the world differently from most. I have been paid for being a writer for the last 16 years. I have a position in my city that allows me to write creatively . I also perform creatively in my position. I was a clown for 24 years and we often ate from the money I brought home, my average charge when I left the business was 225 for an hour and a half. I rarely did the one hour shows. I love kids. I am children’s advocate. I received a Texas humanities award for this advocacy. I am a speaker, that runs around 1500 for the day. Unfortunately the money ran out because of arts and literacy cuts in our state. I have spoken to hundreds of people about teaching their children. I am a puppeteer on the cutting edge of adult puppetry-it is an amazing art. I am a bulldog-if I see injustice I fight it until it changes. I change lives, I know this because I am told regularly by people who lives I have changed. Sometimes it is professionally, sometimes personally. I have 60 hours of college, the folks I usually talk to hold at least a masters and sometimes a PHD in their fields. I am also struggling financially, so any ideas on making a buck is appreciated. Our healthcare system is financially draining.

I am smart. I am funny. I am also bi-polar. I am 51 years old. I had a very hard childhood and a breakdown a while back. I am climbing back up from all of that. I know when I get completely on the other side of this I will be a better person.I am feeling good. I have written every day on this unedited blog. I just write and post. I have always tried to live honestly with myself and others. Some call it filter free, but it has always worked for me. Please understand  I am sharing my journey, I invite you to join me. Maybe together we can figure stuff out. Every morning I check my comments first. I have learned that to be seen is to be loved in our culture. My mission is to see you. I beg you not to click on any comments you see because I am sure many are spam. I am also sure it is worth the risk for someone to see that they were seen and by proxy they were loved.  I am using this blog as a filing system to revisit later and explore some of the things I have placed here. If anything touches you feel free to tell me I will post the comment.

Please remember our greatest enemy is fear. Just remember fear is not real only a reaction to stimulus. Play my game -What is the worst that can happen? Freak out at home then go in with that expectation, the one you have wrapped your head around and are ok with. You will find most times the outcome is better than expected and you are calmer no matter what happens. Fear started my journey. For the first time in my life I did not have control of my life. Two slipped disc made me stop dancing as fast as I could and start thinking. (reference to 1982 film)

God I am so wordy. I just do not want you to have expectations that will not be met. I do not want you to get upset that I allow spam. I am putting one foot in front of the other and so far life is like the movies. The girl has gotten the guy, the kids are alright and all are wiser because of the journey. One that is not over but is manageable. I wish you peace on your journey.

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