For me

This is the video that got me through the last of my 98 vinyasas at my gratitude practice on new years eve.  I love the fact all my warriors and the ones that are unaware of how much I will love and support them from a distance or over an ice coffee in a darkened space with beautiful art on the wall, have a piece. A piece but non have all. I have come to the conclusion we are only allowed to see the face of God as we take our last breath. If we figure it out before hand we will take him for granted.

I know in my rational mind my husband loves me. He was my best friend for almost 30 years, he knows how to punch the buttons with a look. Those are very dangerous people to have in your life. We are all damaged to different degrees. This journey has taught me that he is almost as damaged as me. Which makes his abilities super human and unbeknownst to even himself, evil.

Up to this point my life has been pointed outward. I have run from my demons by running into fires to rescue, feed, clothe, take care of people who needed it. My disease is martyrdom. This is very common for women. I years ago started telling my tribe to “get off the cross there is only room for one” when they felt sorry for themselves or worst yet did not believe in themselves. Problem is I did not believe that. So I hung myself with my hands until the flesh gave way.

Someone I love told me this needs to be looked upon like a diabetic waking from a coma. It very much feels that way. The combination of my back slipping disc as my relationship came to a head because I was no longer able to hold on to that cross has me for the first time I can ever remember taking stock. Seeing the world clearly. My primary cries these days are “damn I am smart” and “Lets make money, I am tired of thinking about it”. Both of which go together. I am not trusted by those that love me so for now only the “smart” is accepted. Soon they will realize my little notebook can and will if they allow it to make them rich. Lets end with a video shall we?

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “For me

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